The Tartan Army are still the world’s fluffiest football fans, thanks to the Sun newspaper.

The blowhard tabloid rag proudly declared itself the saviour of the Tartan Army after it produced a photograph showing the banana thrown on to the pitch after Brazil’s second goal came from an area populated by Brazil fans.

Quite how one can tell the Brazil end when half the Tartan Army were wearing the canary yellow Scotland away top and a bunch more were sporting Brazil shirts, I don’t know.

But on this occasion, the Sun got it right: a German teenager came forward and admitted he was the mystery thrower of the pulpy-fleshed fruit.

According to Channel 4 news – and no, I’m not making this up – the boy, an exchange student, was given a packed lunch, didn’t want his Musa acuminata, and threw it on the pitch.

Excuse me if I think this banana isn’t quite ripe.

How did little Helmut get in to the stadium with a packed lunch?  Surely it’s against the law to eat food inside a stadium that hasn’t been bought there for three to four times the normal price.  Or is that just a Scottish rule?

Why did he wait until late in the second half to discard his banana?  Was it hidden underneath some sauerkraut he polished off at half-time?  Did he mistake the banana for a particularly colourful currywurst, and toss it in disgust when he realised his error?

In the midst of celebrating a goal, who has the presence of mind to dip into their (illegally smuggled) tupperware box, whip out a banana, and throw it twenty feet or more towards celebrating superstars?

Is it true that he launched a sprig of cress from his roast beef sandwich goalwards after Neymar’s earlier strike?  (This incident received fewer column inches because the herb blended seamlessly with the Emirates turf.)

Couldn’t he have swapped his banana with one of his more health-conscious schoolmates for, say, a bag of Walker’s prawn cocktail flavour crisps or a Snickers bar?

No, I think there’s a lot more to this story (“The biggest race scandal to hit British football for years” according to Channel 4 News) than we are being told.

To get to the real truth, I have spoken with a contact in north London who is digging out more information for me.  He has already been told – by a very well-placed source in the Metropolitan Police – that the so-called banana was in fact a plantain.  Watch this space.

Sarah Houghton, daughter of late “Take The High Road” creator Don, is rumoured to be working on a screenplay about the event, with Brazilian director Fernando Meirelles (“City of God”) already lined up to direct.  Sideshow Bob from the Simpsons is tipped to play hairstyle-challenged teenage diving ace Neymar, while Charlie Adam will be played by Homer Simpson.

As for the game itself: the match turned out to be almost as pointless as we all thought it would be.  Scotland chased shadows for 90 minutes, Kenny Miller flew to London to touch the ball no more than a dozen times, and Liverpool-bound Charlie realised he still has some way to go before he can compete at the highest level.

Oh – and we capped an English striker who plays in Division Three.  (I’ll never call it “League One”.)  At least that meant we were playing with someone in attack.

Over 53,000 tickets sold, though – so the Swiss firm that organised the game will have made a tidy profit off the back of the Tartan Army.  Well done.


Brasil vs Escocia