“All I want for Christmas is a Dukla Prague away kit,” sang Half Man Half Biscuit.  You can’t get that in the Dear Scotland Shop – you can’t get them anywhere, was the subtext of the song title – but you can get other items of retro chic and Scottish football memorabilia.  Take a look.

Aberdeen 1970s

I’m no fan of Aberdeen FC.  I took enormous pleasure in their recent humiliation at the hands of Celtic, and I would love to see them get relegated – only a playoff win saved them from the drop in the mid-90s, and they’ve been close at other times as well (check out the AFC’s “Darkness” page ).

Despite my dislike of the sheep-worrying men from the north, I do like the famous “three stripes down the front” 1970s retro top (http://dearscotland.com/shop/product/15127281-317-aw/)  as modelled at the time by the likes of Drew Jarvie, Arthur Graham, and Joe Harper in that fashion-tastic era.

Celtic 1950s

Yes, yes, yes.  Celtic once beat Rangers 7-1.  I’m over it.

Here’s the shirt they wore – except they must have had a four-leafed clover on the original, no?  And I’m sure the gawdy colours must have had a bearing on the outcome, that’s a toxic retina-searing shade of green.

Dundee 1953 Tour of South Africa

There’s a lot of things I don’t know about Dundee FC.  I didn’t know who Bob Shankly was (Bill’s brother, managed Dundee back in the day) and I also didn’t know they toured South Africa in 1953 (http://dundeeshrine.blogspot.com/2009/08/dundees-tour-of-south-africa-1953.html).

And I certainly didn’t know they did so wearing this unique monstrosity of a shirt!  What were they thinking?  Was it their protest against apartheid?

According to the “Dundee Futba Shrine” they played 17 games in a two-month period in SA, winning 15 games and scoring 70 goals – that’s more than four per game.  The Afrikaaners must have thought Scottish football was wonderful, which it probably was at the time.

Anyway, save your pennies and buy the foxy 1970s number instead (http://dearscotland.com/shop/product/15127715-317-aw/) and/or make a donation to save the ‘Dee from going under.

Hearts 1980s Away

“As worn by John Robertson” it says; presumably not on the day they famously blew the league title at Dens Park, because they’d have been wearing their home shirts that day.

Hibernian’s Famous Five

As worn by Reilly, Turnbull, Ormond, Johnstone, and Smith.  I met the sixth man of that line-up serving drinks at the Scots Club in Kearny, New Jersey (http://www.scotsclub.com/about/member_pro.htm).  He didn’t tell me if he liked his shirt or not.

Partick Thistle 1960s

I never knew Andy Roxburgh played for Thistle, and I never knew that Thistle played in navy blue (I’m guessing it was their away shirt for a while).

Andty Roxburgh “provided a dependable source of goals” according to his blurb on the FIFA website; if only he had provided a couple of goals against Costa Rica in 1990, the world would be a very different place today.  Why, oh why, did you play McInally and not McCoist?

The Rosebery Colours

Not to be mistaken for Partick Thistle, which it sometimes is when it’s spotted on tour with the Tartan Army.  Around the turn of the 20th century – and also in the post-WWII era – Scotland sported the colours of the Early of Rosebery, honorary president of the SFA.

And RS McColl – of RS McColl fame – sported these colours while scoring a hat-trick against England in 1900.  You learn something every day.

Partick Thistle 4  Celtic 1

Well, if I can mention Celtic’s 1957 League Cup Final I can mention their 1971 disaster as well, no?

Thistle sported this fetching yellow and red number when they dismantled Jock Stein’s 9-in-a-row team at Hampden in what is still one of the most surprising results in the history of the Scottish game.  Relive the glory days of the Jaggy Thistle!

Arbroath 36  Bon Accord 0

Did I mention I disliked Aberdeen?  Bon Accord were an Aberdeen team.

Gregory’s Girl

Not just because it’s a great film about football, but because a Cumbernauld Rangers pal of mine lies on the cutting room floor of this movie (his wife can be spotted though).

Not John Gordon Sinclair’s best work, though – that came in 1982 with the Scotland World Cup theme (http://dearscotland.com/2010/06/24/now-thats-what-i-call-world-cup-music/)

A Shot At Glory

Worst film ever made in Scotland.  For that reason you should probably buy it.

“Be in no doubt, this is not a great movie.  It says something that McCoist is perhaps the best thing in it,” sayd Alistair Braidwood in his Dear Scotland review.  Wise words.

The Story of Scotland

Well, the Scottish national football team, to be exact, but surely they’re one and the same?

If there’s a football fan in your life that you dislike, gift them this depressing tome.  I haven’t read it myself so I can’t honestly say it’s depressing, but if there’s a happy ending anywhere in Scottish football’s history then I must have missed it.

Scotland 1967

Well… maybe there isn’t a happy ending but there’s a delightful wee bit in the middle, and this DVD replays it in gorgeous black and white detail.

Slim Jim Baxter’s keepie-uppie is of course there.

Scotland Today

Finally: show your pride while keeping your elbows warm with the long-sleeved variant of the new Scotland top.  Pull the sleeves down into your hands just like Jordan and Law did back in the day.  Maybe that’s what Scottish football is missing.