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Kane, Cadamarteri, and Keynes: The State of the SPL
I’m not sure if Scotland’s Premier footballing league more closely resembles the chaotic fractal patterns of a Mandelbrot diagram, with repeating patterns that are similar yet infinitely different; or the oscillators that occur in a computer-generated cellular automaton, constantly flitting between steady states.
October 1, 2009
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The Glasgow Coma Scale
Last week, Mrs Williamson – a medical professional – educated me on the “Glasgow Coma Scale”. This is used by doctors worldwide to assess the level of consciousness of a patient and is named because of its invention in the University of Glasgow. Surprised that Glasgow has expertise in head trauma? No, me neither.
September 24, 2009
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I’d be Elia if I said I wasn’t heartbroken
Such an emotional game. Billy went through the same emotions we all did. And he wrote about it as it happened from a bar somewhere in China. Maybe it’s too soon, but in time you will want to relive this game through Billy’s live updates that follow. Because that feeling that we could and should […]
September 10, 2009
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Kenny MacAskill’s Secret Masterplan Revealed
I can exclusively reveal the shocking truth behind the release of Abdel Basset Ali al-Megrahi, the convicted murderer of 270 people on the Pan Am flight 103 which was blown up over Lockerbie, Scotland, in 1988. It is part of a desperate attempt by Tartan Army member, and Cabinet Secretary for Justice, Kenny MacAskill MSP […]
September 3, 2009
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Ten Things You Just Don’t See These Days
The full story can never be made public, but I had to leave New York in a hurry; angry people were looking for me. I left my apartment with just a few minutes’ warning carrying nothing except my passport, the Williamson cats, and Mrs Williamson (she didn’t want to go).
August 27, 2009
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Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough
The other week I was playing in a football tournament; one of the opposition teams was an Arsenal supporters team. We gubbed them 3-1, but one of their players made a comment afterwards regarding the standard of the SPL: “We were unbeatable in England, so we’d never lose a game in Scotland.” I suggested that […]
August 20, 2009
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Why Does it Always Rain On Me?
Billy provides live updates as he watches the Scotland v Norway game in Hong Kong. Noon: I have come out of hiding this week and crossed the border into bandit country – aka Wan Chai – Hong Kong’s drinking and, well, “other things” district; less well-known, it is also the midpoint of a not-so-recent 12-hour […]
August 12, 2009
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Norway Match Preview and 10 Reasons Why I Hate Norway
Recently I upgraded to the new iPhone 3GS and it’s an amazing piece of technology. How amazing? Well, the other day I was typing the outline to this week’s column; I typed “Faddy fit”, and the iPhone changed it to “Daddy fit”. Too bloody right, I thought – Norway, who’s your daddy? Faddy’s your daddy. […]
August 6, 2009
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Tins, Black Holes, and Transfer Fees
[transcript begins] Mint: “This is Sir David Murray. Sir David, to you. Murray. That’s Sir. David. Murray.” Watty: “Boss, gonnae gie’s some dough fir some new players?” Mint: “Walter, I telt you already, naw.” Watty: “How naw?” Mint: “Ah’m skint.” Watty: “Are ye f*ck. Ye’re loaded. That’s why yer caw’d The Mint.”
July 30, 2009
