David Beckham is in line for a shock move to Scottish football.
The 36-year-old LA Galaxy star has been coy about his next step now his five-year stint in America’s Major League Soccer has ended with victory in the 2011 MLS Cup, but I can exclusively reveal he is negotiating with Stewart Milne, Aberdeen FC’s chairman – to BUY the club.
“David knows people are saying he can’t hack it in a top league any more,” said a spokesman for the whiny-voiced Cockney. “So he’s not even going to bother trying one. With a bit of luck, Aberdeen will be in the first division next year, and David will look world-class stacked up against the likes of Dundee’s Jake Hyde and Andy Jackson of Morton. Plus the club would sell for even less, and Aberdonians do respect a bargain-hunter.”
Stewart Milne has been chairman of Aberdeen since 1998, when he took over from long-time owners, the Donald family. During the Donald regime, Alex Ferguson took the Pittodrie club to unprecedented heights of success, culminating in a European Cup-Winners’ Cup victory over Real Madrid in 1983. Under Milne’s chairmanship, Aberdeen lost 9-0 to Celtic and have been knocked out of various cup competitions by East Fife, Queen’s Park, Queen of the South, and Bohemians of Dublin. Milne now apparently “wants shot of this albatross of a club”, and is said to be “sick and tired of constant abuse from the ignorant, miserable sheep-shaggers who support it”.
Beckham is prepared to invest a sizeable proportion of his estimated £135m net worth to turn the club around – literally. The royalist brown-noser consulted with the feng shui expert who rearranged the sofas in his Los Angeles home, and he told them that Pittodrie has very bad qi due to the gasworks that used to be next to the stadium. The expert told the sex-texting soccer star that if the ground could be turned sideways about thirty degrees, the club would end their mediocre run of home form and would be guaranteed at least two home wins over the Old Firm every season. Plus, it wouldn’t be as windy in the main stand. Plans have been drawn up for the partial rotation, and as a bonus for outgoing tightwad Milne, it is likely that his firm’s JCBs would be used for the project.
Beckham is a renowned family man and will need to be assured of his family’s welfare before making his move. “The C&A on Union Street was Victoria’s favourite boutique department store, though I think it shut down quite a few years ago,” said fellow former Spice Girl Emma Bunton. “But with Codona’s funfair on Beach Boulevard open in the summer, and swimming in the North Sea year-round, it’ll be just like Santa Monica for the family. I’m sure they’ll be fine.” Leeds-born Scary Spice, when reached for comment, said “Eckythump, that Beckham lad tha’. Eeebagum Eddie Murphy’s a piece of alright, int ‘e? Where’s me tripe?”
Genetic factors also played a part in the selection of the northern club as Beckham’s next vanity project. “Victoria knows there are no good-looking women in Aberdeen, so David won’t be tempted to muck around,” said the couple’s PR agent, who added that he didn’t muck around ever anyway, it was all just press speculation and they’ll sue anyone that says otherwise.
Donald Trump had previously expressed interest in taking Aberdeen off Milne’s hands, to try to sweeten public opinion towards his environmentally destructive golf project at Menie Dunes. It is believed the blowhard septic abruptly changed his mind when he realised the blustery winds at Pittodrie would often waft his dreadful combover out of place, allowing thousands to see his horrific baldness at close range.
Current Dons chairman Stewart Milne used to be notorious for owning and wearing several obvious toupees. He ended his charade in 2000, claiming it was “time for a change.” Milne now rocks the bald look.
David Beckham has lovely hair and is not concerned with the follicular effects of Aberdeen’s icy northern winds. He is also said to look good in a parka.