Dear Scotland

I can exclusively reveal the shocking truth behind the release of Abdel Basset Ali al-Megrahi, the convicted murderer of 270 people on the Pan Am flight 103 which was blown up over Lockerbie, Scotland, in 1988. It is part of a desperate attempt by Tartan Army member, and Cabinet Secretary for Justice, Kenny MacAskill MSP [...]

The full story can never be made public, but I had to leave New York in a hurry; angry people were looking for me.  I left my apartment with just a few minutes’ warning carrying nothing except my passport, the Williamson cats, and Mrs Williamson (she didn’t want to go).

The other week I was playing in a football tournament; one of the opposition teams was an Arsenal supporters team.  We gubbed them 3-1, but one of their players made a comment afterwards regarding the standard of the SPL: “We were unbeatable in England, so we’d never lose a game in Scotland.”  I suggested that [...]

Billy provides live updates as he watches the Scotland v Norway game in Hong Kong. Noon: I have come out of hiding this week and crossed the border into bandit country – aka Wan Chai – Hong Kong’s drinking and, well, “other things” district; less well-known, it is also the midpoint of a not-so-recent 12-hour [...]

Recently I upgraded to the new iPhone 3GS and it’s an amazing piece of technology.  How amazing?  Well, the other day I was typing the outline to this week’s column; I typed “Faddy fit”, and the iPhone changed it to “Daddy fit”.  Too bloody right, I thought – Norway, who’s your daddy?  Faddy’s your daddy.  [...]

[transcript begins] Mint: “This is Sir David Murray.  Sir David, to you.  Murray.  That’s Sir.  David.  Murray.” Watty: “Boss, gonnae gie’s some dough fir some new players?” Mint: “Walter, I telt you already, naw.” Watty: “How naw?” Mint: “Ah’m skint.” Watty: “Are ye f*ck.  Ye’re loaded.  That’s why yer caw’d The Mint.”

A few months ago Scotland lined up a friendly match in October against Japan – in Japan.  Last week the venue was announced as Yokohama, and because Billy is in Japan right now, and because he loves you, he did some scouting this weekend.

It should come as no shock to you that Billy is a fully paid-up member of the filthy capitalist establishment, and therefore I have many times been in the position of wanting people to leave my company against their will.  Human Resources will tell you there are two ways to go about this.  The first [...]

At this time of year, we’re all antsy for the new season to start; what with almost half a week having passed since the end of the last season i.e. the Confederations Cup Final in South Africa on Sunday.  So as a service to readers worldwide (note: mostly located in Ireland) who may be visited [...]