I can exclusively reveal the shocking truth behind the release of Abdel Basset Ali al-Megrahi, the convicted murderer of 270 people on the Pan Am flight 103 which was blown up over Lockerbie, Scotland, in 1988. It is part of a desperate attempt by Tartan Army member, and Cabinet Secretary for Justice, Kenny MacAskill MSP to rescue Scotland’s qualification for the 2010 World Cup.

While MacAskill has suffered from a global backlash against his politically-unpopular move, fabricated evidence will soon be released to the world’s media suggesting that Camp Zeist in the Utrecht was a hotbed of drug use during the Lockerbie trial, and that al-Megrahi’s conviction was only because the three judges were smoking some “real crazy Moroccan shit” which made them “like, totally paranoid” and therefore almost certain to record a guilty verdict.

Up until their arrival in Holland, fake documents suggest that Lords Sutherland, Coulsfield, and MacLean had only been exposed to “low-grade stuff that isn’t fit for students.”  In their paranoid haze, the three toked-up advocates required frequent breaks in the trial so they could have a sleep, watch Australian soap operas, or satisfy their munchy cravings; Lord MacLean was even said to have “taken a total whitey” during the testimony of former Stasi agent Joachim Wenzel.

Unlike the subsequent appeal, the initial trial was not televised and this fact was deleted from the court record, fake documents will state.

MacAskill has bet his political future on the risky gamble that the Dutch nation will be so incensed at this direct assault on their right to get high that the Netherlands government will prevent their national team from travelling to Scotland to undertake the meaningless-for-them fixture.

Most neutral observers think that the plan is at best a long shot, while one MSP colleague in MacAskill’s own party suggested that “Kenny has been on the waccy baccy himself if he thinks this stunt will work, and the morality of it sickens me.  The only thing more sick would be if this whole story were in fact a total fabrication.”  [At this point my phone line cut out and the rest of the quote was lost.]

While this tactic might succeed, it could also backfire badly, as a similar ruse did in 2003.  It has never been publicly confirmed, but secret government records not to be released until 2028 are said to reveal that prior to the Scotland-Holland playoffs for Euro 2004, First Minister of Scotland Jack McConnell launched a furtive diplomatic campaign suggesting that the wee boy who stuck his finger in a dike, thereby creating the modern Dutch nation, had in fact been tricked into doing so by his friends; and furthermore that the impressionable youth thought he was actually performing a sex act with a lesbian.

Unfortunately for Scotland, this only served to aggravate the talented and free-scoring Dutch who proceeded to hump Scotland 6-1 over two legs; since then, Ruud van Nistelrooy has never had to pay for a round of cheese in his home country while Union Jack McConnell’s political career has crashed and burned like [don’t even go there Billy – The Dear].

Alex Salmond has however given MacAskill the nod to invoke this desperate strategy, and furthermore, contingency plans have been drawn up to repeat the tactic for all possible play-off opponents, which will almost certainly be necessary as FIFA will fix the draw so the wee teams play the big teams.

Inside sources have revealed a part of the secret plan to me which illustrates how desperate MacAskill is – if Scotland were to be drawn against Ireland, a hand-picked gang of Glasgow neds will be sent to the Emerald Isle to spray “Bertie Ahern is a fud” on the Blarney Stone while the Niddrie Young Team are to paint “It’s spelt whisky ya bawbags” outside the New Midleton Distillery (near Cork).

Billy

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